?

Log in

morirbound
where bad!fic is torn to little tiny pieces
"Godesses Love" by Absesed 
16th-Aug-2006 03:07 pm
「stock」★ your aura captivates me。
Haven't been posting much lately... hmm.


Godesses Love by Absesed reviews
This story takes place sometime after secret of the fire nation, Aang is looking for a fire bending teacher, Sokka has started being very depressedcause he is missing Yue, he has started having dreams and visions about Yue. I stink at summerys PLZ R&R
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 182 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 8-16-06 - Published: 8-16-06


Well, okay, so it could be worse...

Summary
Okay, it's true... I've been reviewing shorter fics lately because I really don't have the motivation to wade through thousands of words of bad!fic (unlike lord_hades; I don't know how he manages to do it ).

Anyway, I suppose the summary's pretty good in getting across the information that the reader wants to know: what's going to happen, what they're to expect, timeframe, etc. And, if you haven't noticed, the episode The Swamp already showed that Sokka's depressed about Yue, so I wouldn't exactly say that he's starting now.

Rating: - Three checks for not just filling the summary field with pairings and all that useless crap, but actually using it to tell the reader what's going on.  However, I'd check your grammar (capitalization, punctuation, etc.), and take out the "I stink at summerys PLZ R&R" because 1.) it's misspelled; 2.) it makes you look desperate; and 3.) let the reader decide whether or not the summary sucks.  Oh, and you spelled the title wrong, in addition to forgetting an apostrophe.

Plot
The plot in the summary looks promising—Aang learning how to firebend, and Sokka musing about Yue.  A nice break from all the "OMG ZUTARA!" and "OMG KATAANG!" going on lately.

Meanwhile, in the first chapter of the fic, the Gaang sits around a campfire with some Water Nation warriors; a cat comes out and looks at them (the cat, apparently, is significant); Zuko dons the Blue Spirit outfit to go... moongazing.  Yeah.  "WTF" indeed.

Rating: - Not much going on (but then again, we're talking about a 180-word chapter here); there currently is no plot, so it's hard to say anything about it.  I'm giving you the checks for letting the reader wonder a bit (Why's the Gaang with the Water Tribe warriors?  What's the cat for?) and for not just going "OMG ZUTARA!" or "OMG KATAANG!", but the crosses because nothing much happens, so I can't judge much.

Characterization
The Gaang's not doing anything; the only one who does anything remotely noteworthy is Zuko.

And, I'm sorry to say, you've botched him up already.  Look, Zuko becomes the Blue Spirit to 1.) steal things, 2.) avenge any injustice he's faced, and/or 3.) capture the Avatar without risking revealing his identity.  Though it's mainly the first (especially recently).  He does NOT go all Blue Spirit to "[enjoy] the peace of the night"; why does he have to?  He can just go out as Prince/Refugee!Zuko!

Unless you have a really good excuse, I'm not buying it.

Rating: - I was sitting here, thinking of a way I could give you a check (because, I mean, it wasn't that bad, compared to what I've seen others do in 100-200 words)... but... I really can't figure one.  No one does anything except Zuko, and you've seen my complaints in the above paragraph(s). 

Spelling/Grammar/Style
Spelling: - No problems here.  My only complaint is that Katara and Sokka's dad's name is Hakoda, not just Koda.

Grammar: - It's readable... but you really need to add some punctuation and rewrite some sentences so that they read less awkwardly.  For example (anything in blue is stuff that I think should be there but doesn't necessarily have to):
Katara, Sokka, Aang, (though that one's the infamous Oxford Comma; you can omit it if you'd like, but I prefer having it there to prevent confusion) and Toph sat around the campfire with the band of water nation warriors. Katara and Sokka’s dad, Ha[k]oda, was there. And, for now, all was perfect... but peace can only last so long.

A small, white cat slipped through the shadows; he wore a collar studded with moonstones. He came out onto a beach and sat in the moonlight, watching the small group.

Zuko slipped out of the small apartment in which he and Iroh and him had been staying.

Eurgh.  See, that was the majority of your fic, and already it's riddled with errors.

Style: - Three checks for the effort to be eloquent (and, at the same time, not making it purple language and overly flowery).  Two crosses for using bad sentence structure.  For example, here's part of the last sentence of your fic:
...he put on his mask and grabbed his swords, he walked through the silent streets, he came to the city wall and climbed over it, he sat on the top of the wall enjoying the peace of the night and the soft breeze coming of the sea.
Instead of using the repetitive "he did this, he did that", you should instead vary the verbs, split it into more sentences, and use transitory words.  I, for one, would rewrite it as something like this;
...he put on his mask and grabbed his swords.  Walking through the silent streets, he came to the city wall and climbed over it, then sat on the top of the wall and enjoyed the peace of the night and the soft breeze coming from the sea.
Of course, there are better ways to rewrite it, but I'll leave that up to you to figure out.  Also, you should probably smooth out your transitions a bit more instead of just jumping from scene to scene.

Overall Verdict
While I won't deny the fact that I felt that the fic was a bit lacking in some aspects—the first chapter was a bit too short; it could've been combined with a longer second chapter—I'd have to say that it looks interesting.  I'd like to know how the Gaang got to meet up with Hakoda, what Zuko has to do with them all (please don't tell me it's going to become an "OMG ZUTARA!!" cliché!fic, because this deserves more than that; not that I have anything against Zutara, but bad Zutara fic just makes me cringe), why the cat's there, and how you're going to realistically portray Sokka's depression.  You look like you're fairly competent with writing, so I'll be hoping to see more soon. 

The Author's Reply:
You have received a reply from the author, Absesed, regarding the review you posted for:

Title: Godesses Love
Chapter: 1
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3108158/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1033180/
--------------------

*sarcasticly* Thanks... (NOT)

listen if you don't like the story that's your problem you really don't have to go around being a jerk.

sorry but when I get bad reviews I get really, really mad and upset. I am trying to stay calm right now...
Darn it, I replied to her via PM, but I forgot to check the CC box (even though I reminded myself to).  My basic reply was, "Actually, my review for your fic was much nicer than many others, and much nicer than some that I've posted on my journal; also, I took the time to write such a long review for a mere 180 words of fic because I saw POTENTIAL in your fic and wanted to help you reach it.  So, excuse me, who's the jerk?"

Waiting for a reply.

This page was loaded Feb 23rd 2017, 11:02 pm GMT.