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where bad!fic is torn to little tiny pieces
"a perfect match" by azab 
9th-Jul-2006 10:40 am
「stock」★ your aura captivates me。

a perfect match by azab reviews
it is a sojiero sharlinark story a lot of mix charecters will be there so read on halelua
Fiction Rated: K+ - English - Action/Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 151 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 7-9-06 - Published: 7-9-06


I am sincerely hoping that this is some kind of joke.  And by the way, for my A:TLA watchers, this is a Hunter x Hunter fic.

Summary
Well, the first thing I saw in the summary was "sharlinark", and I do like Shalnark, and there's not enough fics with him in it, so... but that aside, the spelling errors are atrocious—can you at least spare the minute or two of capitalizing things and using spellcheck?  Also, I was wondering who the heck "sojiero" was, so I Googled him, and it turns out he's Soujiro from Rorouni Kenshin.  You should mention something about this being a crossover in the summary, too, just so people know what's going on.

Rating: - The summary really says nothing, and the spelling and grammar errors are a total put-off.  I mean, you spelled their names right in the body of the fic, so why not in the summary?

Plot
Soujiro wakes up, head hurting, to find himself in a strange place.  Apparently, he was sucked into an inter-dimensional portal and found himself in the Hunter world.  And then he walks along and finds some group of people, who the reader assumes is the Ryodan.

If you want to make it more realistic, I'd suggest at least lengthening the fic a bit.

Rating: - It's not original.  It's not fresh.  There's no witty reason as to how Soujiro got sucked into the Hunter world in the first place (though that may come later, but who knows).  And nothing really happens in the first chapter, anyway!

Characterization
Seeing how the last time I watched Rorouni Kenshin was, what, three, four years ago? I can't say too much about characterization.  That and the fact that this chapter was 151 words long, where half of the words were probably author's notes anyway, and Shalnark doesn't even make an appearance!

Rating: - I dunno, Soujiro seemed really flat, but I gave you a check for showing a little bit of his character through his decision to just continue walking, and his noticing that he's the strange one (actually, compared to the rest of the hunter characters' outfits, his would probably seem pretty normal).  That, and I felt sorry for you.

Spelling/Grammar/Style
Spelling: - Three checks for the majority of it being readable; two crosses for all your typos.  For example:

Waite a black hole ……..What the hell

Thinking of it where the hick is I?

And who did I end here?

A spellchecker probably won't catch those, but if you reread your fic a couple times before posting them, you'll notice. 

Grammar: - Two checks for your attempt to use proper grammar, but three crosses for your failure at it.  You need punctuation, and you make some pretty big mistakes.  For example:

It hurts …… my head hurts I think I fell on something …….something hard it almost broke my head

Thinking of which the last thing I remember is a big black hole sucking me and……. Nothing

can be rewritten as
It hurts... my head hurts.  I think I fell on something, something so hard that it almost broke my head.

Thinking of which, the last thing I remember is a big, black hole sucking me in and... nothing.
Also,
Thinking of it where the hick is I?
should be
Thinking of it, where the heck am I?
Also, you have a big run-on sentence here:
Huh I knew I was in a strange place just look at their clothes I guess I am the strange thing here and now they notice it ah boy It looks like I am in a big problem ………………
I'd probably punctuate it and break it up as:
Huh... I knew I was in a strange place.  Just look at their clothes—I guess I am the strange thing here.  And now, they notice it.  Ah, boy.  It looks like I am in a big problem ………………
Also, ellipses are three periods long, except in the case where they trail off and end a sentence, where they'd be four periods long.  More periods just makes it look messy.

Style:
- Actually, this category should be more like lack of style.  You messed up idioms—it should be "rang in my mind", not "rang on my mind", and you have a definite lack of descriptions.  For example, instead of showing Soujiro stumbling through the forest or wherever he is, you decide to just use the infamous "AFTER 3 HOURS OF WALKING".  I mean, I gave you a check for at least trying with that ringing "on" his mind thing, but you really need to try harder.

Overall Verdict
Please, clean up your writing.  I can see from your other fics that you make the same mistakes throughout all of them.  Writing takes a lot of work; don't insult the other authors in the Hunter x Hunter section by posting up this kind of stuff.  I mean, it looks kind of interesting in that I'd like to know how Soujiro got transported to the Hunter world in the first place, and how Shalnark will view him, etc.  But if you're just writing this fanfic to pair up two of your favorite bishies—just stop.

Hoping you'll actually spend time writing your next fic/chapter,
xenoamorist
Comments 
10th-Jul-2006 06:17 am (UTC)
Greetings HL!

Permission to cross-post to the review metro?
11th-Jul-2006 04:08 am (UTC)
Ohh, sure thing; go ahead :D

- hl
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