?

Log in

morirbound
where bad!fic is torn to little tiny pieces
"Stolen" by Ragemoon 
22nd-Jun-2006 04:44 pm
「stock」★ your aura captivates me。


Stolen by Ragemoon reviews
The Blue Spirit has another mission. What was stolen that Zuko must get without his Uncle realsiing what he is doing?
Avatar: Last Airbender - Fiction Rated: T - English - Action/Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1485 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 6-9-06 - Published: 6-9-06


Summary
Well, it could've been worse.  I can see what you're trying to achieve with the summary, but the structure is a bit confusing, and could use some definite rewriting.  Also, the fact that you misspelled "realizing" (or "realising", for all you Brits, Aussies, and Canadians out there) doesn't help your cause; also, family members (aunt, uncle, mom, dad, etc.) aren't capitalized if you're using a possessive or article before it.  Anyway, you could've written the summary to be much more streamlined and dynamic—shorter sentences and contractions work well; also, the present tense also works for questions.  Here's how I'd probably rewrite it:
The Blue Spirit has another mission.  Something was stolen from him—but what is it, and how can he get it back without his uncle realizing what he's doing?
Notice how the confusing structure of the second sentence was rearranged into something more straightforward and exciting.

Rating: - The summary does give you an idea of what to expect from the story, but it could do with some work.

Plot
Well, Zuko goes as the Blue Spirit to get some fire scrolls back, as well as free Katara for whatever-odd reason.  He then kisses her and leaves.  I mean, there are some more details in between, but that's the basic premise of it. It's severely underdeveloped and clichéd and reads as just another cheesy Zutara fic; the fire scrolls read as just an excuse for Zuko to meet up with and free Katara; there's no real explanation as to why he decides to do so, either.

Rating: - Overdone, overdone, overdone; I would have given you more checks if you'd added a twist to it, or written it with much more development, or if you'd've characterized the characters to make it more realistic, or if you'd've used a more eloquent style... but, unfortunately, you did none of those. 

Characterization
You have some serious work to do here.  First off, I don't think Katara would be so calm if she found out that Zuko was her rescuer.  I think she's be confused, or possibly even angry.  Meanwhile, Zuko would not just accept Katara taking off his mask—he was extremely nervous when he realized that Zhao recognized the swords he used as the Blue Spirit, and he made up another name to tell Song.  With this in mind, I doubt that the first thing he'd think of if Katara took off his mask would be to kiss her.  And I doubt that Katara would go back and be dreamy about that—she'd probably be livid.  Plus, everything is just too convenient in this fic; it's as if the only reason why it exists is to have a Zutara bit in the middle; you could just write a drabble if you wanted to do that.

Rating: - They're really flat and seem to be just cardboard-cutouts; your dialogue is particularly stiff and could use some work.

Spelling/Grammar/Style

Spelling: - You have quite a few typos and misused words.  For example,
He also made sure that eh men practiced and that all the stories were gone though and anything bad gotten rid of.

Commander Zhao's words hunted him.

So he grabbed the scrolls and then made his way stealthy to where Katara was captured(Adjective/adverb confusion; also, I believe you mean to say "where Katara was held captive".)

Her eyes held that far away look that made Aang worry about her.  (Should be "faraway".)
I would consider proofreading your stories a few times, as spellchecker doesn't catch these; or, I'd suggest finding a beta over at avatar_hotline.

Grammar: - You have a lot of common errors and mistakes throughout this fic.  Here are a few I noticed:
He is looking at a blue Mask in his lap. (It's not capitalized in the rest of the fic, so don't capitalize it here.)

"You will pay for trying to stand in the Fire Nations way." (Should be "Fire Nation's.)

Katara looked at her masked rescuer and blinked and he drug her silently out of her cell.  (Past tense of 'drag' is 'dragged'.)
You are also missing punctuation (namely commas).  Read your sentences out loud (especially your dialogue), and wherever you pause or take a breath, that's where you need a comma.  In addition to that, you changed tense from the present to the past within the course of the first paragraph of the fic, and from there, it keeps switching.

Your style lacks description and is flat, especially your dialogue.  I feel no life coming from the characters; it's as if they're just reciting lines in a mediocre play.  Also, you use far too many fragments, and they don't achieve any particular effect.  You tell too much and don't show; instead of stating the obvious, try to have the characters show what they're thinking or doing through their actions.

Style:   - Your style could definitely use some polishing; I would suggest dissecting other people's works to see what they do right/wrong when they're describing things.  Also, you use a lot of run-on sentences and strange structures.  I would suggest for you to stop trying to cram everything into one sentence, and just split them into new sentences.  Also, stop using those Yoda structures!  I am perfectly content reading "She was happy."  But I am irked when I read "Happy she was."  That kind of stuff only really works in poetry.

Overall Verdict
And even if you decide to use a clichéd plot, at least spice it up with some good writing and vivid descriptions, or interesting character interaction and development.  With all these Zutara fics, it's difficult to write something original and different, but putting some effort into trying to be original does show through.

Comments 
23rd-Jun-2006 03:08 am (UTC)
Thanks I knew it needed a rewrite. I believe that it will be done after my vacation. Thanks for the honesty. I really need to be hit ove rthe head to fix stuff. So thank you. Expect to see a better one in a month.. my vacation is two weeks. :)

Blessed be.
23rd-Jun-2006 04:54 am (UTC)
No problem; I'm glad I didn't offend you or crush your writing spirit; I would've felt horrible. ^^;;;

- hl
23rd-Jun-2006 05:12 am (UTC)
No hun, I would not have put them on the block if I could not handle it. Hell I need the poke to acually go back and redo things.. I'm lazy sometimes and only go though and write once when i should know to give the revision at least three times.. to make sure I have the stroy properly plumped.

So thank you for your honesty. Hell I saved it and my bud was like. Just go grab it off FF.net and start working on it again... *laughs* Would you bata for me? Hate to ask with everythign you have......

Blessed be.
23rd-Jun-2006 05:21 am (UTC)
No prob; I'd be happy to beta for you, especially since it's the summer, and I don't have too much to do (that, and I'm procrastinating). I'll have to warn you that I don't have all of my canon straight, though; I have to rewatch all the Avatar episodes sometime XD

- hl
23rd-Jun-2006 02:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you once again. As I mentioned before I sometimes need a swift kick to acually go back re-read and add more... as wella s read and acually catch my mistakes that the spell check misses >< Oh what's your email? Or is that in your info? Need that so I can send the story to you.

Blessed be.
23rd-Jun-2006 05:14 pm (UTC)
It's in my normal LJ's profile :)

- hl
This page was loaded Feb 23rd 2017, 11:01 pm GMT.